Although I understand why people sometimes say the things that make me cringe, hearing any of these phrases still makes me roll my eyes and groan:
- I can't imagine what that's like/what you're going through: Most people can't imagine what it would be like to have terrorist try to kill their husbands, didn't really need you to point it out. When someone says this to me, what I hear is, "I feel sorry for you" or "I'm so glad it's not me."
- Everything happens for a reason: There's a reason the phrase, "senseless war" is a cliche. War makes no sense. The events of the night Sgt K. was wounded were incredibly sad and awful, not fate. Just because we're coming through a horrible event stronger and better than before does not mean it happened for a reason.
- Oh, I just wish we'd end this war: Although I could write a long opinionated rant about this statement, all I'm going to say is this: When your husband's leg looks like shredded beef, the last thing you want to talk about is politics.
- It could have been worse: I know that, because it was much worse for his driver. Thank you for reminding me how guilty I feel that I have the husband who's hurt less, and ashamed that I'm thankful I have the husband who's hurt less.
- How is your husband ... emotionally? I don't mind when one of my close friends or someone who takes the time to listen asks me this. I've a some really good conversations about the perceptions of PTSD vs. what it's really like. When I'm asked this in passing, I get the feeling what I'm really being asked is, "So, is your batshit crazy husband going to choke you in your sleep?" If you ask me how Sgt. K is, I'm going to answer honestly. So don't look all shocked when I tell you he has nightmares every night. The same goes for ...
- So what exactly happened? This is another question I don't mind being asked by someone taking the time to listen. But usually my answer causes the person who's asking the question to get all wide-eyed and look like she's going to throw up. It's an understandable reaction, I've told the story of what happened to my husband so many times that sometimes I forget that it's a lot to take in. What get on my nerves is when the same people ask me over an over again, and then looked all shocked every time. Which makes me want to ask, "If you find it so upsetting, why didn't you remember the first time I told you?"
- You must be so glad he's done with the military: Actually, no, it feels weird. I was never counting down the days until Sgt. K would be out of the Army. He was considering leaving when his current contract was over, but he was wounded and the choice was made for him. The military consumed our lives for 3 years, and then it was just ... over. I am glad I don't have to go through another deployment, but I miss being an Army wife, and I miss being part of the military community.
Sgt. K says when he hears people say this, he feels like what they're really saying is: "Aren't you glad you've realized the error of your ways." Within the military community, there's a stereotype of civilians as lazy idiots who are content to let others do the dirty work of defending our country. It's an over generalization and unfair, but still, "civilian" isn't a label I was anxious to have again. - I'm so glad he's OK: People see Sgt. K is alive and has all four limbs, and they just assume. But he's not OK. His leg is full of metal, and every step he takes is painful. The pain reminds him of how he was wounded, which reminds him of combat, which make him sad or upset or scared. I know everyone would feel a lot better if he was just instantly OK, but it doesn't do him (or our marriage) any good to rush the healing process or to pretend like this isn't something we're going to have to deal with for the rest of our lives.
